I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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