I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
