Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
