Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
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