god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
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