It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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