Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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