I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Drunk is a universal language darling
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