Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
