wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
