So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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