I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
