I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
