I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
