Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
