who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
