i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
