got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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