I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize