I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
