the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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