New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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