Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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