atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
