Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
