i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize