So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
