Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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