i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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