Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
