So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
