I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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