sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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