My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
