my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
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