She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
