I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
