Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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