dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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