Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
