so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
