What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
