the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
