You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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