I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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