Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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