I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
