remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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