I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
