OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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