I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
two words...techno handjob
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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