who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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