I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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