Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
