i can't believe i had my finger in that
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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