I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you will always have a special place in my vag
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
