Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
