my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
