Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
