I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
