I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
