I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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