I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
