so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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