Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
