I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Randomize
